There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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