Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
