If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
