I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
