tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
