i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
