Taylor Swift is so right about you.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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