Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
