Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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