youre lurking in front of me
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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