Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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