Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
