So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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