I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
