Your mouth is God's brothel.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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