New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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