After last night, I could never be a politician.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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