i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
