ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
