how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
