Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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