I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
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