I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
