we made out on top of his cat.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I don't deserve a penis
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
