tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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