I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Randomize
