I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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