I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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