I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
She even gives head with a lisp.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
