Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
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After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
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I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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