before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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