Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
