i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
if only i could text you this smell
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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