When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
