If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
