I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
