So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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