I just threw up on my dentist
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
