Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
