God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
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I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
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Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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