ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
