in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
