your parents love me but you hate me
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
