Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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