I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
