I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Randomize
