Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
