dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize