I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs