omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
