So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
